The Hardest Decision I Ever Made.

The hardest decision I ever made.

The hardest decision I have had to make is whether or not I should say goodbye to my Aunty before she passed away. Should I go and see Aunty Nen and say goodbye? Should I go and see Aunty Nen in the hospice? Should I go to the funeral? 

The choice I made was to go and say goodbye to my aunty, my dad’s older sister. My Aunty Nen (her name was actually Helen but I called her Nen as I couldn’t say Helen when I was younger!) had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and it began making its deadly consequences known in the later months of the year 2010.
In the December of that year we made the yearly Christmas trip to Sheffield, this time earlier than we had planned. We wanted to be as close as possible to Aunty Nen and family so we could be there if something happened.

On a cold December morning my Dad and I drove from the small village I was staying in with my parents and grandparents to  the small village my aunty lived in. This was the first time I was going to see Aunty Helen since the cancer had taken a big toll on her. At the time I was feeling scared, I didn’t know what to expect as I had never encountered someone who was dying and had never seen the true effect of what such an awful disease could have on a person. That day I was wrapped up nice and warm as it was now winter. I was wearing a big puffy black coat with a blue checkered shirt and a pair of dark jeggings.

Once me and my dad arrived at the house we had been in many times before I truly began to feel a little scared. I didn’t know how I should act. How does one act in this type of situation?
Upon entering the house I decided I was just going to act like myself, just be the happy smiley person I usually was. I can remember entering the large living room. Aunty Nen was on one of the big brown sofas up against the back wall of the room. When I saw her I was a little shocked. I didn’t know what to expect but I was not expecting this. Her skin was as pale as a ghost, her cheeks had sunken in almost as if the disease was slowly sucking the life out of her. Her hair was not the bright orangey red I was used to.
My dad and Aunty Nen’s older brother, my uncle John was also there. I remember laughing and spinning around, showing how much I had grown in the year since I had last seen them.

After the visit me and dad went back to the car and I wasn’t too sure how to feel. It was all incredibly overwhelming. I had a little cry in the car before we headed back to Sheffield to spend the rest of the day with my mum and grandparents.

The day it’s self was incredibly strange. I didn’t know how to act. For the rest of the day me, my mum, dad, mama and Granddad went out to try and keep our minds off of what was happening.

In the months leading up to this even,  aunty Nen’s health had begun to get worse after she was told her cancer was terminal. I can remember that she was in and out of the hospice for a few months before we went up in the December. I can remember asking my dad about how she was when I got in the car after a day at school. I had just started my first year in secondary school.

At the time this was all happening I was eleven years old. I had just started year seven in secondary school and this all sort of seemed surreal. I’m not sure if this was because of the distance but it almost felt like this was happening in a dream. I can remember things just going on as normal, we all worried about Nen and if something was going to happen but I still went to school as normal. I was just the same girl I always had been but this sad cloud was looming over the family.

When this was all taking place I didn’t know how I was meant to feel. This is the first death of family member where I was truly able to understand what was happening. I was unsure of the choice I wanted to make – I didn’t want the image I held of my aunty to be one that frightened me but I also didn’t want to regret not saying goodbye when I would never get the chance again.

I had hope in my heart that this was going to be a passing thing and she would be one of the lucky people that defy the odds and move on with their lives although she had already beaten the disease once. I wanted her to be ok for not only myself, but for my dad and his other siblings, my nana and granddad and also her husband and two young sons. It made me feel incredibly sad for my cousins, Tom and Max. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to watch your mum go through something like that. It’s heartbreaking.

Although being at the other end of the country sort of sheltered me from it. It was like I could forget what was happening and almost pretended that it wasn’t happening. It was like it was taking place in another world or happening to someone who wasn’t me. I am quite thankful for the space because it was easier to distract myself from what was going on.

Looking back at the sad time now I am happy with the choice I made. I know if I hadn’t gone to see her I would regret it. I also attended the funeral and it was something I was surprised with. Although the ceremony was sad and I can remember sobbing through most of it, it was actually a day to celebrate and remember Aunty Nen’s life. We had a bit of a doo at her favourite pub after and it was like she was there. I felt wrong for enjoying it.

Being in this situation has made me realise that people don’t last forever, at some point we are all going to die. This is something that frightens me, even to this day. The thought of losing the people I love most makes me feel incredibly sad and it also makes me wish I could find a way to make people live forever. If I had to go back and experience this all again I would have gone to see her more. I only saw her three times before she died and now I wish I had gone to see her more. I am glad that I did get to tell her I loved her one last time though and I will never regret this hard decision.

I am thankful for this experience as it prepared me for the fact I might have to do it again, and I have. This time I didn’t go to see the family member. My Great Granddad’s death was completely different to my Aunty Nen, she was still herself even though she didn’t look like the Nen we all remembered.  My great Grandad Vin was a body shaped shell with a beating heart.  His death was sudden and completely unexpected.  I know if I had seen him it would have been completely different to my experience with Aunty Nen.

I know now that  every last minute with a family member counts, you never know when something is going to happen and I now want to make as many memories as possible with my family so I have many more happy memories to look back on when the time for them to go arrives.